Who Knew?

Hey, Mom.

How's Heaven these days? Hanging with Dad? Dancing? Have you by way of chance bumped into Tracye Ford Sellers or Ann Earnest? Two of my favorite people in this life, taken away too soon, like you. Please tell them hello for me.

I'm just writing to say I had a eureka moment today! I've had others but I wanted to share this one. Felt like getting it off my chest. For some reason I only write in this blog when I'm sad or have had a thought-provoking experience. I prefer belly laughs, a positive outlook and good humor, but what the hell (or Heaven), right?

I guess you found out after making it to the feet of Jesus that I used to avoid spending time with you as a teenager and in my early 20s. Honestly, you picked on me a fair amount and I had little patience for it. Time has sifted the yuk and left for me only the twinkling eyes, infectious laughter and compassion for all around you. But you could be a pill, and so could I, so I wanted to be with Betsy, Lauren, Lisa and my other gal pals instead. Even when you were sick with cancer, even when I was working at Dow, I'd make the two-hour drive to Rochester Hills and go first to my friends' houses, spending the night with them before the next day when I'd see you. I thought you'd live forever--silly me.

Fast forward 30+ years and damn, how I regret it. They say that youth is wasted on the young, and without question "they," whoever they are, are right. Thirty years later I wish I knew more...about how you maintained your laughter in the face of adversity, how you made those ravioli just right, how you managed depression without pills (well, we all like to eat in our family), how you put up with Dad's moods and made it through to the end, fighting and trying and hoping and praying and holding on for everything it was worth. Jo-Ann said you could hear us in the end; I hope this is true. I hope you heard in the end how much I loved you. Jo-Ann also says a dream informed her you're painting on a beach and Dad comes by to visit. I don't like that vision, really, although it brings her peace. I think you're dancing and laughing and Dad is kissing you on the lips while you giggle and push him away, saying "You crazy man!" This is the mom my memory has sifted and left for me; the mom I wish to remember.

So my eureka moment: Who knew?!! My kids don't want to spend time with me. Mackenzie's a different story, of course, but the teenagers have other things to do. You were so needy of my time in the end and before I knew better, and it was SO annoying. Yet today, a beautiful, sunny fall day--Chris being in Taiwan again and me being here with them all...they'd rather do anything else than watch a Halloween movie or take a walk. Girlfriends' basketball games loom large while a walk in the sunshine is a big, fat bore. Some things are making me unpleasant lately, too (long story for an angel in Heaven) so who could blame them. God forbid if I'd get cancer, like you--I'd be a pain in both their asses, most likely. I am healthy today and have no reason to complain--but I am so sad.

Anyway, I understand better now...I really do...why you wanted me, why you needed me. I think I get the idea only now that when you invest your whole adult life in the development and joy of human beings you sometimes want to hold on..and on and on and on...long after everyone else has jumped the shark. You want to continue being their guiding voice, their soul mate...something, anything. Of course, it's healthy and right and whole that they move on, that they have their friends and that parents move aside. Even parents like me, who have worked hard to build a safety net of career, friends, interests, other things, so I wouldn't be, dare I say, like you, or how I perceived you to be when I was young. But damn, it's hard. Isn't it, Mom? I'm sorry it was so hard and I didn't know any better, even in the end. Who knew? Not me, not at all.

So today, they look at me with greater kindness than I ever showed you. Greater empathy that "Mom isn't quite right today for some reason," the "Gee, I'd be happy to hang with you, but you know, there are other things to do." The song Cats in the Cradle coming to fruition, and all that. Books, songs, sonnets have pointed to this moment in time, this day. Why I'm heartbroken, who knows.

There's nothing more to say than I'm sorry. I wish I knew better. I wish I asked you more questions or sought your advice on just about anything. But I knew it all and needed no advice. Some day they will surely say the same things, but I hope they don't. Maybe they'll be happier or more together. Surely I wish this for them. Maybe their safety nets will be stronger than mine--that would be a good thing, don't you think?

But today is a sunny, beautiful fall day and they have better things to do. So I'm crying and being a big, fat, ninny. Can you do me a favor and shine down here a bit? Put in a good word for me with Jesus about my broken safety net and the girls I live my life for? Have him remind me in thought or sign or somehow that these lessons do present themselves so I won't be such a ninny? There are worse things out there than raising great kids who are happy, healthy and independent. Logically I know this. Emotionally, I feel like shit. I never swore around you, either. :) Sorry about that.

By the way, I miss you.

Love,

Your daughter, whom who called your "baby."

MJ

Bad Day

I am sharing this only because it's been a bad day. A shitty day. I edit my feelings and comments when people inquire, so others see only the joy of special needs parenting. There is a joy and richness that cannot be described, but there are bad days. Shitty days. And so it goes.


Written to Summerhouse teachers:

Hi, All.

Can you possibly reinforce proper behavior at home again? We've had nothing but nonstop bullying, scratching, territorial issues and tension since yesterday. Examples:

• Karenna wasn't allowed to speak to me in my own bathroom last night. Mackenzie bullied us both for about 10 minutes by screaming and yelling, and then attacked Karenna by scratching. Five minutes later she repeated "I'm sorry" a hundred times, which is standard. It doesn't help and it is very annoying. If we don't say "it's okay" 100 times with her, the behaviors start up again.
• Juliette was not allowed into the den or kitchen this morning. She was forced by Mackenzie to stay outside in our patio area until I got home, whereby she went nuts when Juliette came back in. No attacks but constant verbal abuse.
• Mackenzie controls our TV in the den, although there are countless other TVs throughout the house. While I was getting my car washed, apparently she and Chris got into a knock-down drag-out because she would not allow Chris to show videos of his recent band engagement to Juliette and teenage friends. 
• Mackenzie commandeers certain seats and couches in the house and will not allow others to sit there.
• The house is always a disaster, with her losing her mind if i try to clean up her craft messes. She refuses to clean them herself. I cannot have a clean house, ever.

All of this is followed up by "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and crying, etc., but these are hours, weeks and days out of our family life.

Besides the fact that these behaviors disrupt our home life and they are as annoying as hell, I know she must control her behaviors to some day live independently. Can we bring up these issues  EVERY DAY so she can allow us to have some peace?

Thank you for your love and devotion toward Mackenzie. I sometimes want to send her to a home because after 20 years I'm tired of all this tension, which is never-ending and ongoing. You remind me to focus on all the good she has in her heart, and I love her very much. I know she's a leader at Summerhouse and has good behaviors in her. But I'm exhausted and our family is exhausted.

Thanks so much!

MJ

Out Of the Closet

(Written two weeks prior to Valentine's Day, after attending church.)

Hello, all.

Sunday school was wonderful today. I am always refreshed for the week whenever I go, and Susan, you are a gifted teacher. My prayers to you regarding your mom...and to everyone who mentioned prayer requests today.

I am writing this note because I am a hypocrite. I left Sunday School once again feeling badly for not speaking up on an issue that is important to me; not being honest with my Christian friends on a specific belief.

In a nutshell, I am a supporter of gay rights and marriage equality. I know what the Bible says and I have considered it for many years; however, I have come to believe as I do by observing the lives of countless gay friends I've met and come to love over the years through the business and marketing communities, as well as in schools (Mackenzie's teacher is gay), our home (our sitter of seven years is gay), and in many other settings.

I may have kept this opinion to myself, but I have chosen to come out of the closet, so to speak, by posting a photo on Valentine's Day on my FB page at the request of a beloved friend, Trevor Eade. Not worth going into it now, other than to say it is in complete opposition to today's comments about homosexuality.

For this reason and some others, I am spotty with attending church. Some could say it is immoral beliefs that keep a person away; others may feel, as I sometimes do, that I don't agree with everything that is said, it hurts me or I feel like an outsider, so I stay away. Either way, it truly is between the Lord and me, and he is my judge. I hope at the end of my life he will look on me and know I did my best.

Thanks in advance for being kind to me despite this profound difference of opinion on an issue that is deemed critical to many on both sides of the fence. I do not lecture on it and, like today, I rarely comment on it. I respect other views and don't discuss the topic around friends' children. Please, however, do not try to change my mind or tell me it's okay to love the sinner...nothing will change my mind on this issue.

Chris doesn't fully agree with me, by the way. However, he knows Juliette will be in that Feb. 14 photo with me because of her support for her gay friends at school and he's okay with it.

God bless you and keep you, and thank you for your words of wisdom inside and outside the church. Thank you also for being outstanding role models on many levels. I just had to share this lest I be a complete and total hypocrite...I have lots of flaws, but hypocrisy is something I cannot live with.

Hugs & blessings,

MJ

The photo below was posted on on Facebook on Valentines Day, 2013. It received more than 115 likes and numerous comments, including a very supportive one from my sweet husband. There was silence and surely dismay from many more, but that's okay. We didn't do it for applause, just for what we believe is right. I'm proud of my daughter and grateful that finally, after 10 or so years of pondering it, I came out of the closet. 

Facebook caption read: My daughter Juliette Mudd and I support marriage equality! #TietheKnot With deepest respect for my LGBT friends including those tagged here...Happy Valentine's Day!! — with TonyCarroll BruceSmith and 23 others.