122 Random Things That Suck

Facebook of late is awash in everyone's "100 Days of Happiness" and "Seven Days of Gratitude."  I can't take it. I mean honest to God, it's too much sharing, even for me. Do we need to know your husband makes you breakfast in bed each Sunday or your toddler made a poo-poo? Yes, I'm grateful for God, husband, children, friends, pets, good health, employment, my country and frozen margaritas, no salt. Even so, let's get a little real here. Don't some things just get under your skin? Tick you off? Annoy the ever-loving bats--t out of you? If not then I'll raise a glass (frozen margarita, no salt) when you're selected for sainthood. I, on the other hand, just completed a most therapeutic exercise listing some random things that suck:

1.      Lines

2.      Crowds

3.      Excessive heat

4.      Lines, crowds and excessive heat all at one time (never been to Disney World for a reason)

5.      Body odor

6.      Whiners

7.      Liars

8.      Sitting next to airplane yakkers

9.      Middle seats on airplanes

10.   Stuck in middle seats on airplanes between whiners or yakkers with body odor

11.   Fat men in speedos

12.   Fat men in speedos who flirt with me

13.   Constipation

14.   Computer problems

15.   IT help desk people I cannot understand

16.   IT help desk people who cannot understand ME

17.   Circular phone menus (like, where the hell is a human?)

18.   Injustice

19.   Bourbon

20.   Whiskey

21.   Hemorrhoids

22.   Eye rolling

23.   When people say you’ll love a dish, then you try it and you hate it and they’re looking at you, like, “Do you love it?”

24.   People who don’t RSVP

25.   Automatic flushing toilets

26.   Automatic faucets

27.   When people arrive too early for a party and you’re not ready

28.   Trying to tie a scarf

29.   No-shows

30.   Facebook posts imploring people to “cut and paste to your own page”

31.   Facebook game invitations (I don’t want to play your stupid games)

32.  When women use those tissue toilet covers and then just leave them there. You think I want to sit on your tissue, you freaks?

33.   Traffic

34.   When people say I look sick but I’m not sick at all, so I wonder why I look so bad

35.   Dental fillings

36.   Dental drills

37.   Dental anything

38.   Dentists

39.   Loneliness

40.   Bullies

41.   Food stuck in my teeth

42.   When noone tells me there’s food stuck in my teeth so I wonder how long I’ve gone around like that

43.   Disrespect

44.   Sharing a bed with anyone besides husband, kids or pets

45.   Jalapeños

46.   Poor grammar

47.   Big, fat  know-it-alls

48.   Feeling de-valued

49.   Tedium

50.   Pantylines

51.   People who belittle someone’s dreams

52.   Finding moldy food in kids’ rooms

53.   Smell of cat pee

54.   People who pass gas in elevators and step off, so that newcomers on elevator think I did it

55.   Opportunists

56.   Work politics

57.   Corporate buzz words so spectacular that linked together they make a whole new language

58.   Unmade beds

59.   When people inadvertently spit on me while talking

60.   People who don’t respond to emails or phone calls (just give me a damn answer, thank you very much)

61.   It’s when it should be its and your when it should be you’re

62.   Speed bumps

63.   Justin Bieber

64.   Getting lost

65.   Racism

66.   Homophobes

67.   People who turn their house lights off on Halloween

68.   Laziness

69.   Flight delays due to nothing in general

70.   Chanel No. 5

71.   Weak handshakes

72.   Wobbly restaurant tables

73.   Weird celebrity baby names

74.   Drunk driving

75.   When men don’t aim directly into the toilet

76.   Indirect answers to direct questions (just give me a damn answer, thank you very much)

77.   Passive aggressiveness

78.   Chewing gum with mouth open

79.   Regret

80.   People who tell me to “rein it in” because I’m too happy, bubbly, chatty or otherwise not conforming to their idea of proper behavior (I say, kiss my arse)

81.   People who assume I’m shallow because I’m too happy, bubbly, chatty or otherwise not conforming to their idea of proper behavior (Kiss it again)

82.   People who assume I’m stupid because I’m too happy, bubbly, chatty or otherwise not conforming to their idea of proper behavior (Kiss it three times)

83.   Overdone plastic molded packaging that causes me to cut my finger when prying open a cheap toy

84.   Hypocrisy

85.   Spammers

86.   When someone says they don’t want dessert so you order your own and then they start eating yours

87.   Walking into spider webs

88.   Arguing about politics

89.   People who are mean to servers at restaurants

90.   Wet toilet paper

91.   Self-righteousness

92.   Peeling off wet bathing suit to go to bathroom and then toilet seat is wet too

93.   How squirrels look in the rear view mirror after you run over them (oops)

94.   Jerks who take up two parking spaces

95.   People who insult my integrity

96.   Slow pokes in left lane

97.   Runaway shopping carts

98.   Seeing young kids at R-rated movies

99.   Chasing after a ping pong ball

100.          Fingernail clipping in public

101.          Tip-stiffers

102.          Restaurant tables next to noisy kitchen or restrooms

103.          When people hurt my kids

104.          Cliques

105.          Four slow-walkers at a mall positioned such that you can’t get by

106.          Four slow-walkers on a sidewalk positioned such that you can’t get by

107.          When people call and don’t leave a message. What did they want?

108.          People who don’t celebrate the good in others

109.          Lipstick that goes through cracks around lips and runs up face

110.          Unsolicited advice

111.          Walking into a room and forgetting why

112.          Child abuse

113.          Animal abuse

114.          Poverty

115.          War

116.          Disease

117.          Violence

118.          Watching a loved one die

119.          Watching my child suffer

120.          Watching anyone suffer

121.          Tuberous sclerosis complex

122.          And finally, bird poop.

Who Knew?

Hey, Mom.

How's Heaven these days? Hanging with Dad? Dancing? Have you by way of chance bumped into Tracye Ford Sellers or Ann Earnest? Two of my favorite people in this life, taken away too soon, like you. Please tell them hello for me.

I'm just writing to say I had a eureka moment today! I've had others but I wanted to share this one. Felt like getting it off my chest. For some reason I only write in this blog when I'm sad or have had a thought-provoking experience. I prefer belly laughs, a positive outlook and good humor, but what the hell (or Heaven), right?

I guess you found out after making it to the feet of Jesus that I used to avoid spending time with you as a teenager and in my early 20s. Honestly, you picked on me a fair amount and I had little patience for it. Time has sifted the yuk and left for me only the twinkling eyes, infectious laughter and compassion for all around you. But you could be a pill, and so could I, so I wanted to be with Betsy, Lauren, Lisa and my other gal pals instead. Even when you were sick with cancer, even when I was working at Dow, I'd make the two-hour drive to Rochester Hills and go first to my friends' houses, spending the night with them before the next day when I'd see you. I thought you'd live forever--silly me.

Fast forward 30+ years and damn, how I regret it. They say that youth is wasted on the young, and without question "they," whoever they are, are right. Thirty years later I wish I knew more...about how you maintained your laughter in the face of adversity, how you made those ravioli just right, how you managed depression without pills (well, we all like to eat in our family), how you put up with Dad's moods and made it through to the end, fighting and trying and hoping and praying and holding on for everything it was worth. Jo-Ann said you could hear us in the end; I hope this is true. I hope you heard in the end how much I loved you. Jo-Ann also says a dream informed her you're painting on a beach and Dad comes by to visit. I don't like that vision, really, although it brings her peace. I think you're dancing and laughing and Dad is kissing you on the lips while you giggle and push him away, saying "You crazy man!" This is the mom my memory has sifted and left for me; the mom I wish to remember.

So my eureka moment: Who knew?!! My kids don't want to spend time with me. Mackenzie's a different story, of course, but the teenagers have other things to do. You were so needy of my time in the end and before I knew better, and it was SO annoying. Yet today, a beautiful, sunny fall day--Chris being in Taiwan again and me being here with them all...they'd rather do anything else than watch a Halloween movie or take a walk. Girlfriends' basketball games loom large while a walk in the sunshine is a big, fat bore. Some things are making me unpleasant lately, too (long story for an angel in Heaven) so who could blame them. God forbid if I'd get cancer, like you--I'd be a pain in both their asses, most likely. I am healthy today and have no reason to complain--but I am so sad.

Anyway, I understand better now...I really do...why you wanted me, why you needed me. I think I get the idea only now that when you invest your whole adult life in the development and joy of human beings you sometimes want to hold on..and on and on and on...long after everyone else has jumped the shark. You want to continue being their guiding voice, their soul mate...something, anything. Of course, it's healthy and right and whole that they move on, that they have their friends and that parents move aside. Even parents like me, who have worked hard to build a safety net of career, friends, interests, other things, so I wouldn't be, dare I say, like you, or how I perceived you to be when I was young. But damn, it's hard. Isn't it, Mom? I'm sorry it was so hard and I didn't know any better, even in the end. Who knew? Not me, not at all.

So today, they look at me with greater kindness than I ever showed you. Greater empathy that "Mom isn't quite right today for some reason," the "Gee, I'd be happy to hang with you, but you know, there are other things to do." The song Cats in the Cradle coming to fruition, and all that. Books, songs, sonnets have pointed to this moment in time, this day. Why I'm heartbroken, who knows.

There's nothing more to say than I'm sorry. I wish I knew better. I wish I asked you more questions or sought your advice on just about anything. But I knew it all and needed no advice. Some day they will surely say the same things, but I hope they don't. Maybe they'll be happier or more together. Surely I wish this for them. Maybe their safety nets will be stronger than mine--that would be a good thing, don't you think?

But today is a sunny, beautiful fall day and they have better things to do. So I'm crying and being a big, fat, ninny. Can you do me a favor and shine down here a bit? Put in a good word for me with Jesus about my broken safety net and the girls I live my life for? Have him remind me in thought or sign or somehow that these lessons do present themselves so I won't be such a ninny? There are worse things out there than raising great kids who are happy, healthy and independent. Logically I know this. Emotionally, I feel like shit. I never swore around you, either. :) Sorry about that.

By the way, I miss you.

Love,

Your daughter, whom who called your "baby."

MJ

Bad Day

I am sharing this only because it's been a bad day. A shitty day. I edit my feelings and comments when people inquire, so others see only the joy of special needs parenting. There is a joy and richness that cannot be described, but there are bad days. Shitty days. And so it goes.


Written to Summerhouse teachers:

Hi, All.

Can you possibly reinforce proper behavior at home again? We've had nothing but nonstop bullying, scratching, territorial issues and tension since yesterday. Examples:

• Karenna wasn't allowed to speak to me in my own bathroom last night. Mackenzie bullied us both for about 10 minutes by screaming and yelling, and then attacked Karenna by scratching. Five minutes later she repeated "I'm sorry" a hundred times, which is standard. It doesn't help and it is very annoying. If we don't say "it's okay" 100 times with her, the behaviors start up again.
• Juliette was not allowed into the den or kitchen this morning. She was forced by Mackenzie to stay outside in our patio area until I got home, whereby she went nuts when Juliette came back in. No attacks but constant verbal abuse.
• Mackenzie controls our TV in the den, although there are countless other TVs throughout the house. While I was getting my car washed, apparently she and Chris got into a knock-down drag-out because she would not allow Chris to show videos of his recent band engagement to Juliette and teenage friends. 
• Mackenzie commandeers certain seats and couches in the house and will not allow others to sit there.
• The house is always a disaster, with her losing her mind if i try to clean up her craft messes. She refuses to clean them herself. I cannot have a clean house, ever.

All of this is followed up by "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and crying, etc., but these are hours, weeks and days out of our family life.

Besides the fact that these behaviors disrupt our home life and they are as annoying as hell, I know she must control her behaviors to some day live independently. Can we bring up these issues  EVERY DAY so she can allow us to have some peace?

Thank you for your love and devotion toward Mackenzie. I sometimes want to send her to a home because after 20 years I'm tired of all this tension, which is never-ending and ongoing. You remind me to focus on all the good she has in her heart, and I love her very much. I know she's a leader at Summerhouse and has good behaviors in her. But I'm exhausted and our family is exhausted.

Thanks so much!

MJ

Out Of the Closet

(Written two weeks prior to Valentine's Day, after attending church.)

Hello, all.

Sunday school was wonderful today. I am always refreshed for the week whenever I go, and Susan, you are a gifted teacher. My prayers to you regarding your mom...and to everyone who mentioned prayer requests today.

I am writing this note because I am a hypocrite. I left Sunday School once again feeling badly for not speaking up on an issue that is important to me; not being honest with my Christian friends on a specific belief.

In a nutshell, I am a supporter of gay rights and marriage equality. I know what the Bible says and I have considered it for many years; however, I have come to believe as I do by observing the lives of countless gay friends I've met and come to love over the years through the business and marketing communities, as well as in schools (Mackenzie's teacher is gay), our home (our sitter of seven years is gay), and in many other settings.

I may have kept this opinion to myself, but I have chosen to come out of the closet, so to speak, by posting a photo on Valentine's Day on my FB page at the request of a beloved friend, Trevor Eade. Not worth going into it now, other than to say it is in complete opposition to today's comments about homosexuality.

For this reason and some others, I am spotty with attending church. Some could say it is immoral beliefs that keep a person away; others may feel, as I sometimes do, that I don't agree with everything that is said, it hurts me or I feel like an outsider, so I stay away. Either way, it truly is between the Lord and me, and he is my judge. I hope at the end of my life he will look on me and know I did my best.

Thanks in advance for being kind to me despite this profound difference of opinion on an issue that is deemed critical to many on both sides of the fence. I do not lecture on it and, like today, I rarely comment on it. I respect other views and don't discuss the topic around friends' children. Please, however, do not try to change my mind or tell me it's okay to love the sinner...nothing will change my mind on this issue.

Chris doesn't fully agree with me, by the way. However, he knows Juliette will be in that Feb. 14 photo with me because of her support for her gay friends at school and he's okay with it.

God bless you and keep you, and thank you for your words of wisdom inside and outside the church. Thank you also for being outstanding role models on many levels. I just had to share this lest I be a complete and total hypocrite...I have lots of flaws, but hypocrisy is something I cannot live with.

Hugs & blessings,

MJ

The photo below was posted on on Facebook on Valentines Day, 2013. It received more than 115 likes and numerous comments, including a very supportive one from my sweet husband. There was silence and surely dismay from many more, but that's okay. We didn't do it for applause, just for what we believe is right. I'm proud of my daughter and grateful that finally, after 10 or so years of pondering it, I came out of the closet. 

Facebook caption read: My daughter Juliette Mudd and I support marriage equality! #TietheKnot With deepest respect for my LGBT friends including those tagged here...Happy Valentine's Day!! — with TonyCarroll BruceSmith and 23 others.

What the What?

I don't have much time here. My radar is up...I'm sniffing the air like animals in the jungle who lift their heads to ascertain if greater beasts are coming to take them on. Eat them up. Spit them out. But this is different...I'm sniffing for alcohol. Boys. Unruly friends. Truly scary stuff as I engage upon something I've never known: Parenting a teenage girl.

Truth be told, I'm woefully unprepared for this. Jeff, my now 26 year old stepson, lived primarily with his mom and was a joy who gave us little trouble (although I've recently been enlightened about his high school escapades of which I was blissfully unaware). Mackenzie, soon to be 20, is mentally challenged due to tuberous sclerosis and her journey has been different. So here I am, doling out Mackenzie's meds and running our ship in the fun-loving, pool-party, we-can-never-have-enough-kids-at-our-house way for which I am known, and what shows up but a boy. Nice boy, good boy, but a boy. Dating Juliette. Age 15 and a half. No time to get into how, on a technicality, she was allowed to date six months earlier than our preferred timeframe. Remember, I'm in a hurry. Sniffing, listening, eyes darting left to right and back again.

Exhibit A: Lenny, otherwise known as "boy."

Then one day I'm on a business trip and I get a phone call. "Hi, Mom. Can Andrew spend the night tonight? Elena and Caroline will be here and we're all best buds. It will be fun." I scratch my head and wonder at which point it became okay in my sweet, smart, good girl's head to have boys grab their pillows and trot over to our house for sleepovers. What the what?!, I wondered.

Next, her annual end-of-school-year gathering turns into a party-palooza posted to Facebook, where our sweet, smart, good girl encourages everyone at the local high school and beyond to head to the Mudds for food and drink. Yes, drink. Drop your jaw so it hangs to the ground and you can imagine how we looked at her, and how she looked at us, when we said alcohol was prohibited. Then imagine the subsequent weeping and gnashing of teeth that ensued, with the greatest fear on her part being that the party might be "lame," and us firmly stating, over and over, that jail is not the house we want to live in.

Exhibit B: The locking of the liquor cabinet.

I don't have time to get into the party itself, with streams of unknown kids bringing beer that was immediately confiscated by my husband and Jeff (now all grown up and on the prowl to protect his little sis), his wife and Jeff's best friend--a former Marine--and his girlfriend. This particular night also marked the end of a long, Muddy tradition...Julie's end-of-year parties. Stick a fork in me, I said to myself. I'm done. 

So now I join the ranks of other parents. Not the stepmom or the special needs mom, or even the mother of girls who in an instant went from chubby cheeked toddlers to beautiful young women--but the mother of a teenage daughter. A lovely daughter who changed my life not so long ago and still does today. A daughter who must spread her wings and gain independence so she can live a full and happy life. It's the getting from age 15 to the full and happy life that throws me for the big, fat loop...so I am on alert. Poised, with my head up, sniffing, looking, listening. And praying.

Muddy Holidays! December 2011

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Sisa

So an e-mail came around stating that an exchange student needed a place to stay in a hurry, and I figured, what the hell. No, there was more to it than that but within the past two weeks we've gone from a 3 kid, 3 dog, 2 cat, 2 bird household to a 4 kid, dog/cat/bird household. Sisa, from Slovakia, has joined us! More on that later.

Everyone keeps asking if we're crazy. What if she steals, smokes, does drugs, strangles us in the night? So far she couldn't be easier or more friendly. I'm becoming downright protective, hence this note today to her dean. More later....

Dear Mr. O.,

Can you let me know Sisa's latest grades? I think she may have failed a class and I'd like to know about it, unless there is some rule forbidding host families from getting that personal with their kids.

Sisa is doing very well in our home, and I am optimistic about giving her a positive US experience. However, I am concerned that I didn't hear from even one teacher when I sent them the e-mail introducing myself and telling them I'm Sisa's host mother. Not any sort of verbal comment saying they'd be in touch with me, or they care about exchange student experiences--nothing.

This, along with a recent situation I won't share as it has hopefully been resolved....makes me uncomfortable regarding some teachers' views of exchange students and how they should be treated. Is there any possible way you can communicate to the teachers that this particular exchange student is extremely committed to improving her life and her future through the exchange experience? She is shy and may not convey this outwardly, but it is definitely the case. She was kept from classes for an entire week NOT because she didn't want to go, but because her host mother was not up to the task of keeping her and she was stuck in Cypress with the exchange agency rep, away from the school.

Being the mother of a mentally impaired, autistic child (Mackenzie) I am acutely aware that teachers are very busy and cannot always give extra time to all the kids who are different. I respect every single teacher I meet because they've devoted their lives to our kids. On the other hand, in the case of an exchange student who is intelligent and willing to learn, and is a world away from family and friends, just a bit of additional explanation, consideration, follow-up and similar, minor tasks--communicated in a respectful and considerate manner--would surely impact that person's life.

Please confirm that you have received this note, and you will communicate with your teachers. Thank you!

Best regards,
MaryJane